That Time I Audtioned to be on The Bachelor

It’s true, friends. Last Saturday on a hot and humid Tennessee afternoon, my friend Kelsey—a fiery, sassy, beautiful red-head in a black dress and pumps–and I—a girl with a humidity-induced fro, shorts, flat sandals and, let’s be honest, sweaty armpits—ventured to Hotel Indigo a few minutes from my house in Nashville, where auditions for next season’s The Bachelor were underway. Judge as you will. I deserve it.

Kelsey and I had promised each other a couple of seasons ago that if Bachelor auditions ever came to Nashville we would go. Lo and behold Kelsey found out they were coming, so we went, expecting a party, drinks, food, producers to be schmoozed. And what did we find instead? A dimly lit hotel conference room with lines of chairs facing one direction and about 30 girls wearing extremely tight clothing and extremely high heels. That last part, about the clothes, was to be expected. But the part with the dark room, no drinks, and no food was very disappointing.

This, as it turns out, is how an audition for The Bachelor actually works:

-Girl walks into a dark hotel conference room that has ugly carpet and no AC.

-Other girls already seated stare her down and judge her for being underdressed.

-As girl walks in the dark room she is handed a black marker and instructed to write her name and phone number on a mini white board. She is then instructed to stand against a wall and pose holding the white board in front of her while photographed: close up, far away, full body.

-Girl sits with friend Kelsey and fills out a six-page questionnaire, then signs a contract basically agreeing for the network to exploit her however they see fit with editing and to not sue the network when discovering they had cameras hidden all over the Bachelor/Bachelorette mansion.

-Girl is then shuffled to the back of the room and told to sit on the back row of chairs and wait.

-Girl is then shuffled into the hallway and told to sit in a chair against the wall and wait to be called for an on-camera interview.

-Strange girl sitting next to her in the hall reads off girl’s questionnaire and says her mom’s maiden name is “Lucado,” pronounced “Luk-uh-doo” and then they discuss what a small world it is until strange girl is called into her on-camera interview.

-Girl asks her friend Kelsey, who is sitting beside her in the hall, if her pit stains are really noticeable. Kelsey suggests girl avoids raising her arms during her on-camera interview.

-Girl is called into her on-camera interview and is instructed by the interviewer to write her name and phone number, yet again, on a mini white board. Girl says she feels like she’s rushing, but the interviewer doesn’t get it and says she doesn’t have to rush.

-Girl sits awkwardly in front of a small video camera propped on a tri-pod. Interviewer asks her things:

Q-“Why do you want to find your husband on TV?” A-“Why not? I mean, blah blah blah, I need to get out of my comfort zone, blah blah blah, I’ve always been kinda shy around guys [interviewer giggles at girl] I mean, I know I would have to be aggressive on this show, but I’m not very good at that, blah blah blah” Q-“What are you looking for in a guy?” A-“Oh you know, he needs to be funny and a good conversationalist and I’m a Christian so it would be really great if he’s a Christian. I’ve dated non-Christians too and they were greatybutitwouldjustbereallygreatifwehadthatincommonit’dbegreat.” Q-“What’s your dating history?” A-“Well, it’s probably kinda limited compared to most 24-year-olds. I’ve only dated a couple of guys seriously but those relationships ended. They were both quality guys though. No hard feelings. It was really just circumstances that tore us apart. And the rest of my dating history has just been a few dates with a few other guys. Yeah, that’s it.”

(To sum up the impression girl left during the on-camera interview: “I am a big time Christian, and kinda lame, and pretty low-drama, and have little material to offer for reality TV.”)

-And then the low point of the audition arrives. Girl is asked to stand up, take off her microphone, walk to the corner of the room and TURN AROUND SLOWLY FOR THE CAMERA. She complies while saying “This is really weird…” and trying to remember to not raise her arms in any way.

-Interviewer asks girl if she has any questions. While there are hundreds—like, how do you sleep at night after making hundreds of girls a day feel like a spinning piece of lamb in one of those kebob food trucks? NOW TURN AROUND SLOWLY FOR THE CAMERA—all she asks is when they would hear back about the audtions and learns it will be at the end of the month.

I can almost 100% promise you I will have no announcement to make at the end of June regarding my being cast to be on The Bachelor and I think I am 100% ok with that.

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16 thoughts on “That Time I Audtioned to be on The Bachelor

  1. Wow. What an odd way to conduct an audition. And, um, I think you might be extra glad not to be on the show, after all that.

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  2. Let me just say, “your mom is extremely proud that you do not fit into “that box of girls”. The experience did make for good writing material, tho’. I love you

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  3. That’s hilarious! So apparently they are not near the hoopla of auditions for American Idol or So You Think You Can Dance that we see on TV. 🙂 It does all sound kind of sketchy on their part. But now you definitely have a fun story to tell!

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  4. Love your mom naswer.
    love the writing!.. I smile. I See myself between some lines and of course am proud of you going out of your confort zone and discovering all what you are 😀
    say hi to the ‘girl’ s friend 😀

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  5. That is hysterical. I would have never had the guts to go to something like that. But I love how you compared yourself to the kebab meat.

    Do be proud that you don’t “fit” into the stereotype the Bachelors producers are looking for. Because you fit exactly into the lovely, classy, substantive woman that most great Christian guys want!!

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  6. What?!?!?! You don’t want a call back…but the bachelors are so high quality…I would kill to be picked by one of them. But I’m into watching him kiss 17 other girls the same night he kisses me, and I can completely tell how much more he LOVES me than he LIKES them.

    Keep us up to date…and I would have said, “T.V. is the best place to meet your husband. The track record alone is enough to convince me of that.”

    Back to the beach….2nd best place to meet your husband…”Oh, did I just walk right into your frisbee game, so sorry!”

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  7. So funny! I found your blog because…1. I follow your pops on Twitter…and 2. He said it was your 25th birthday (so, Happy Birthday!) 3. You tweeted about the bachelorette // Ames…and I watch the Bachelor/ette and then I clicked on your wordpress…scrolled down to find this post…and giggled all the way through because I’m addicted to the show (would never go on…cough cough…) and found out they were coming to Charlotte, NC last week and well…seriously considered going. Too bad I didn’t have a friend to drag me to a darkly lit hotel room with ugly carpet. I would have nailed that turn slowly around at the camera….bam!

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  8. Classic! That is one hilarious recap.

    And the best line was definitely: “Girl says she feels like she’s rushing, but the interviewer doesn’t get it and says she doesn’t have to rush.”

    Haha! Unintentional comedy at its peak.

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