I’ve kept a journal for years now. I bet a lot of bloggers could say the same thing. We seem to be obsessed with the regular recording of everyday events. Anyways, from time to time I like to read old journals and compare myself to my younger self. A theme I’ve noticed in reading through some thoughts from the last few years is I worry that I annoy God. Seriously. I’ve always had this fear that I take way to too long to figure out His will or make excuses and claims that I don’t know what He wants when I actually do and just don’t want to do it, so He gets all huffy and puffy and taps His foot at me. I didn’t even realize I was personifying God in such a way until a good friend pointed it out to me and how lacking of grace that view of God was. I felt so relieved. He’s not annoyed with me; I’m annoyed with myself while the almighty God is capable of grace upon grace upon grace.
Then on Sunday, I was listening to my wonderful pastor speaking at my wonderful church about our unbelief and how that unbelief prevents us from the full power of God. As he concluded his sermon, he asked us if we thought our unbelief ever exasperated Jesus. In the passage of scripture we had been looking at (Luke 9:37-50) Jesus was clearly frustrated with his disciples, clearly exasperated. So it’s possible. And now my pastor was asking a rhetorical question to which the obvious answer was “yes.” Ugh.
And now I’m back at square one, wondering if I do indeed exasperate Jesus/God or if that is a trait we put on Him because we are so easily exasperated. Though we like to guess God’s feelings and play that game often, I find comfort in doubting our accuracy.