And so begins my February series of tough LOVE questions. February–an appropriate month for love questions, don’t you think? This series was inspired by a friend and coworker who initially suggested I pose this question for the blog: “If your house was burning, and you could only save one family member, who would it be?” I responded with “That’s impossible to answer.” So we boiled down to the nature of the question and realized what she was really asking was why would I, without a moment’s pause, reach for the hand of a beloved to save them from a burning building when they repeatedly don’t reply to my text messages, never initiate hang-outs and consistently miss important events in my life?
Because we love them. Even though they don’t show the signs of loving us back.
Family illustrates beautifully this inhuman ability we have to love siblings, children, and even parents who may never return the affection. Something within us persists. Pushes through the turned shoulders and blocked calls and can not–though we may try–stop loving. How would a non-Christian explain this strange strength that counters every fiber of our being? For the most common type of love is reciprocated, right?
Not always. Maybe you, like me, have loved someone you had no business loving at all. You tried to stop, but the love was inside of you and no action of your own would remove it. I remember confessing to my parents once that I was still in love with someone I knew for a fact did not love me back. My dad told me something I’ll never forget. Something that made me feel normal and that everything would be ok: “You can’t help who you love.” We don’t actually choose–what a load off.
So, I don’t believe we’re crazy for loving a rebellious older brother who’s never around, the dad that’s in and out of your life, or the boy that broke your heart. We can’t help who we love. God loves lots of people who don’t love Him back. When we do the same, we’re being a little like Him. We’re loving not based on condition but because the love is there, and we can’t get it out.
So true. I once struggled mightily to repair a relationship with a friend I had briefly dated (with disastrous results). We fought like cat and dog for months, and my mom asked, “Why don’t you just give up?” But I couldn’t – I believed it was still worth it to be friends with him. In this case, the story ended happily; we made our peace and remained friends. But I think I would have kept loving him even if it had proven impossible.
Great post, Andrea.
I am a first time reader of this blog that I just stumbled upon and I swear, I was just in a moment of prayer trying to get some inspiration regarding why I keep making the same mistakes with the guys I have been with. I always love them so unconditionally, and they barely notice I exist… I’ve been feeling like I’ve been doing the wrong thing maybe. I always end up hurt because I love them and they rarely return the feelings, so I’ve been thinking that this was maybe a sin in my life. If I am getting hurt and I regret loving them… It must be a mistake or sin. And Bible verse after Bible verse, turns out Jesus never directly had a problem with someone not returning his texts or baking his friend endless batches of cookies hoping they’d get the hint that your hopelessly devoted to them in more than just a friendly way. I feel much better now that you pointed it out that, at least I am loving like God loves us…unconditional, undeserving and never ending. I just wanted to know if I was doing the wrong thing, but I feel like God’s telling me that I’m on the right track here instead. Thank You, and God Bless.
Theresa, thanks so much for your honest comment. Sounds like you have a gift for loving others that many would envy. I hope you never take it for granted and see how it’s simply God manifesting himself in a willing heart.
I have learned (after being in 2 abusive marriages) that: while I can’t help who I love…I can help how I should be treated. I grew up in an abusive home. Abuse came from my father and my older sister. While I love(d) them both, as an adult, I chose not to expose myself to their abuse. I have come to the realization that while I may continue to love them, they simply choose not to love me. It hurt me to come to that realization, but I have been much healthier since. I must love certain people from a distance. There was one sacrificial lamb..His name is Jesus. We (especially women) don’t need to suppose that we must be an additional sacrifice. Be safe. Be wise. Know that you are LOVED.
Such words of wisdom, Darla! Thanks. Love and miss you lots!
I love the points you’ve made here! Unfortunately not being able to choose who you love and being like God and loving those who don’t love us back really don’t make the rejection any easier. It’s still hard but it’s comforting to know you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. It’s not always something you can just “get over and move on from.”
Katie
Yay! The question is out there.
I think it can be summed up in the following statement: “Because one day, no matter how long that day takes to come, we hope that the person(s) will love us back.”
And most of the time, no matter how hard we try, they never do.
I like what your dad had to say — I’ve definitely taken comfort in that thought before. I’ve never thought about how unrequited love, romantic or otherwise, might be a glimpse into God loving those who don’t love him back, or who don’t love him as much as they ought to. I like that thought.
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Andrea,
I just discovered your blog recently and very much relate to your perspective on life. As a single 20something who is loyal to a fault and has spent a lot of time still loving friends and ex’s who have hurt me, I always thought I was foolish and maybe even a little pathetic. but, you reminded me that that’s how God loves us – unconditionally.
How do you think you balance that with guarding and protecting your heart ?
Also, I hope you don’t mind but I linked you to my blog. http://www.singleinthemeantime.com
Thanks,
KC
Thank you so much! This article is such a godsend to me, especially as I struggle to understand why my mum, best friend and church friends don’t love me in return, even as I stupidly continue to love them and go out of my way to love them. Knowing there’s an explanation for my stupidity comforts me now.
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This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been dealing with this guy who does not care if I live or die. He has toyed with my life for way to long and the only reason for that is I have a forgiving heart. As of last week, I became miserably tired of his mess and have not talked to him since. This is not the first time I have dismissed his phone calls though. I know for a fact that we should not be together and would REALLY would like for him to go on with his life and leave me alone. Every time I give into his pitiful sounding voice, he gives me kindness but then takes it right back. This is a pattern with him. You would think a person your dating that is older than you would be more considerate and wiser in their decision making, not him. He has studied me for so long to where he thinks that I won’t let go and stand firm on my final decision of breaking up with him . I really would like help with standing firm and not giving in to him because I’m already dealing with enough physical pain and I don’t have the time to pacify his childish ways. I understand that being kind is a step closer to God but I don’t think God wants us to suffer. God is the author of peace; not confusion.
just remember that one of the important jobs you were given in this lifetime was to take care of your own soul. you have to protect that. everything else is secondary.
I agree K and I will continue doing so. Trying to take care of and protect my soul.
I have been in love with my best friend since I met her and confessed twice during that time. Even though I tell myself Im happy just having her as a friend I wish she would notice me a little more. she doesn’t call me because of one time several years ago she called after I had worked a double and my sisters had been calling me to harass me while I was sleeping and when she called I snapped thinking it was one of them but apologized upon realizing it was her. but since then she has never called me unless it was to return a call she had just missed. when we hang out we always have a great time but its like she only enjoys the moment we are actually together and forgets me as soon as we lose eye contact. I tried acting the same way towards her but she always does something at the last minute to inspire hope that maybe things could be different. or maybe its my own mind finding light where there is none. anyway I don’t have anyone to tell my feelings to so I figured I would just post it somewhere. I feel better. thanks
Thomas, I know how you feel, truly I know. I can only offer that along with a hug from Arizona. I will pray for you to find the love you are searching for.
love is blind bt sum r luck….
It is after midnight in Arizona and in finding a new website for music, I played a song by Adele (To Make you Feel my Love), and the tears I have gotten so good at hiding came pouring out. I have been in love with a man for over 6 years, and the past 3 we have not been involved. Though he said that he could grow old with me and that I was the one, he never made me a real part of his life – just an afterthought. I finally told him that I could not just sit and wait for him to love me the way I need so desperately to be loved. The moment I think of him, I am unable to fight the pain and feelings of hopelessness. No one has ever loved me and made me significant in their life. After living with a broken heart for the past 25 years, how do I not give up? I am a Christian and I know that his love is the ultimate love, but when you ache to be held and told you are loved, how do you climb up from the bottom of the pit to where you can finally breathe?
God don’t care if you don’ t love him….the lord is not gone close heaven down because you wan’t to follow the devil.!!!
I am in a situation now where a person I love I feel doesn’t love me back I believe by the way they treat me. It hurts, but I feel I must move on. However, I still feel like waiting for their love to be returned. But, I recall one thing my Mom once told me when I was young and crying over a boyfriend. She told me “I thought that love was supposed to make you feel good”! With that, we should all move on as best we can. I know that time will heal our broken hearts. How long that will take? I don’t know. I keep asking the same question. I hate that there are so many hurting people in the world. I pray that all of the broken hearted people would come together and live each other. And forget about the heart breakers:)
Oops, …love each other…
Thanks for your comment! Your mom is very wise. When we’re unsure of someone’s love for us, that’s when we lean into God’s love for us and ask if we should wait or move on. I think deep down, we always know the answer to that question.
When I wrote my first comment concerning my mom’s comment about love, I felt strong. But, today I felt so weak like a wanted to cry all day. I don’t understand why I even care about this person who is so cold. Why does my heart hurt so much, and how do I make it stop? I know that he is not worth the time and energy I’m putting into this. Thanks.
ive been in love with a guy for 2 yrs.he was my best friend in the begining but then i made the mistake of giving him my virinity,ever since he’s only made me feel like a booty call.i love him so much so its almost unimaginable 2 not have him in my life.now he has a gf & is continuing to hook up with me.i feel like such an awful person,idk wats wrong with me!i kno i deserve better than that anyway but i cant help how i feel for him…& i cant help but wonder why im so inadequate in his eyes…i really hope god helps me past this & guides me to happiness.
Loren, thank you so much for your honesty in this comment. It and several others on this post have convinced me I need to write a follow-up to “Why Do We Love Those Who Don’t Love Us Back?” I have more to say about this than what I’ve written here. I think there is so much hope when it comes to love, but this question can make us feel hopeless. So much of it comes down to whether or not we love ourselves. And whether or not we love ourselves comes down to whether or not we believe God loves us and wants good things for us. I challenge you to ask yourself that–as I need to ask myself that. When you love someone who is mistreating you, the only way out is to see and believe in your own worth. That is my prayer for you. Be on the lookout for more I’ll be posting on this subject soon.